This state would have scared me before. The old version of me would’ve wanted to run away, hide, scream, cry, stomp her feet, call for help. Get angry. Search for a flashlight, for matches — something to keep me from panicking in this emptiness.

Now I’m not afraid, because I know that I am the center of everything — and I trust myself. I will light that spark myself — when the time is right. And for now, I’m just surrendering — I’m standing still, getting used to it, listening to my sensations, to my body, to the stillness I’ve found by reaching this point. And this point was always part of the path — a planned stop, a pause.

Spring brought me fireworks, hundreds of insights, transformations; it helped me live through every moment with all its depth. Behind each event, there were new layers of meaning! And every time, I unwrapped them like a box of chocolates, with the anticipation that even if these chocolates turned out to be not so sweet, I would still accept whatever was inside. That’s how I formed complete trust in everything that happens to me — and now, the first thing I feel when things don’t go according to plan is CURIOSITY, not fear or stress like before.

And now I’m in a moment where the sound and light have been turned off, and I’m left alone — in full, dense silence. No inspiration, no signs, no sensations.
And yes, at first, it was scary. I wanted to immediately start doing something just to FEEL again. Because you expect that as soon as you let go — the magic will begin. That all you have to do is trust, and you’ll be swept away by a wave of luck and miracles. That letting go is always followed by a reward.

But sometimes, letting go brings… a pause. And this pause doesn’t come with promises, doesn’t come with a miracle — no blessings fall on your head just because you’re not manifesting for hours or flying on wings of motivation and inspiration anymore.

There is no music in the void. It’s not fun here. It’s just you — and pure surrender. That’s when it really happens — when you realize there’s nothing left inside but unconditional love.
At first it feels like: “Something went wrong.”
And then suddenly — “What if this is exactly how it’s supposed to be?”

I’ve always been used to feeling and experiencing the full spectrum of emotions. Intense emotions and feelings — inspiration, awe, joy, happiness; anxiety, anger, rage, resentment.
Feeling people, spaces, my desires, the flow of positive emotions from victories and the swamp of negative ones from defeats.
I could not only see, but feel the magic of numbers, coincidences, meanings between the lines.
But at some point, all of that disappeared — I stopped feeling and hearing the voice that calls — the most familiar voice of the soul. I felt like I was losing connection.
There’s just emptiness here. No up, no down. Just a frozen frame.

But right here, in this apathetic, sticky, numb zone, I suddenly started to see something else.
It was love.
And it felt so unfamiliar!
Not the kind that knocks you over with desire, strong emotions, or inspiration — but the kind where you LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY, no matter what.

You just don’t need anything else except love — for yourself, for the world.
It’s something that simply is — part of you.
It doesn’t guarantee that you’ll go create something amazing right now.
It doesn’t guarantee that tomorrow you’ll hold the hand of the one who changed everything, who transformed your life and brought you back to your essence.
It doesn’t promise anything at all.
And you accept that — because this state of full catharsis is the very point for which you ate even the most disappointing chocolates.

I saw how much tension I was still holding.
How all this time — even in love — I was still waiting for something.
That even letting go had been a move in a game.
That even acceptance was an investment, expecting a return: “I’ll accept — and everything will fall into place.”
That I was still looking for “confirmation.”
And life…
It was just watching.
It wanted me to choose myself, finally.
To hear my own voice and trust it — not the things I consume, the meditations or the practices.

And now, in this place, I’m meeting myself:
I don’t need any more confirmations. I simply love myself.
Everything created by me, with my hands — that’s why I’m here, and that’s something only I can create.
What I go through is filled with incredible experiences — and I’m the one creating them too.
The love inside me is so great and so deep that I can’t keep it to myself anymore —
I have to share it.
That’s the point — to share!
I don’t care about any scenario — I’ll end up exactly where I’m meant to be.
I don’t have to prove, speed up, or control anything.

Because one day you get to the point where you understand:
You are the miracle.
You are what you’ve been searching for all along.
Because my axis is no longer in the events — my axis is in me.

In this silence I wasn’t afraid of for the first time.
In this moment I stayed in.
In this love I chose without conditions.
And now, having adjusted to the darkness and begun to see in it —
I can move forward.
Without expectations, fear, or rush.
With full freedom, with love, and hand in hand with the most important person in my life — myself.